July 3, 2022: Not a Selling Point -

Many years ago, when I was a young middle-management type, we got a new CEO. I didn’t spend much time in the CEO’s orbit, but I hated his bullying style, and I was particularly alarmed in one meeting when he excitedly referred to a badly-written bid from a big customer as our “license to steal.”  

I took my alarm to our Finance guy, a retired-military straight arrow. He wasn’t remotely a pal, but he was one of those reliably honest and trustworthy people. He gave me a few minutes’ hearing.

It turned out Col. Finance was also bothered by the new CEO, for additional reasons.  

I was about to do some work at our parent company in the UK, and Col. Finance suggested I ask to have lunch with a particular parent-company Bigwig, and tell him our concerns. Col. Finance believed Bigwig would listen to me, and perhaps speak to the owners, if he (Bigwig) thought that was wise.

The telephone had already been invented at this time. I don’t know why Col. Finance didn’t call Bigwig. But if you’ve worked in a dysfunctional organization, you know that a lot of things happen through back channels and unexpected delegates. I got a lunch with Bigwig, delivered the message, and went home. Col. Finance said, approvingly, “Sometimes the best man for the job is a woman.” 

I spent one split second wondering if I had the skill to say, “Col. Finance, that compliment isn’t really working for me….” And then I let it go.

I’m still dismayed about the overturning of Roe, and I’m still not finding much of what anyone says about it useful. But then, I’m not actually listening to what anyone says. I’m turning off all the pundit podcasts, and I’m avoiding the stylings of my favorite late-night guys. I don’t want to find myself hating them because they say something well-meant but annoying.

However! I am not avoiding all news – I said to someone, after the January 6^th Committee scheduled a surprise session last week, “You know, they’re doing that just to cheer me up.” And it did cheer me up! I know, I know, I know, it may all come to naught, all the crimey people and the Criminal in Chief may escape scot-free, I KNOW, but in the actual moment, watching the actual testimony, I was much cheered. Oh, look! Here’s an actual Moment of Truth. Cool.

And so. In my weakened post-Roe state, I am going to ask for something I didn’t have the nerve to ask for from Col. Finance.  

I want people (not YOU, you don’t do this, I’m talking about Other People) to stop saying that Cassidy Hutchinson – or any other female person who does something difficult or courageous - has bigger balls than (fill in the blank with the name of some man).

[I ran the photo of the woman with the sculpture through Image Search and got no matches. So I cannot give credit for it. But here it is. My friend Daniel sent it to me, and I said Thanks, just what I've always wanted. I was kidding.]

I’m an English major. I love a good metaphor. Balls-as-a-compliment-to-women isn’t a good metaphor. You wouldn’t compliment a Black person you admire by saying, “He’s so WHITE!”     

If you want to say a woman is BRAVE, or PRINCIPLED, or STRONG, or HONEST, or whatever VIRTUE OR CHARACTERISTIC YOU WANT TO HIGHLIGHT HERE, say that. Go for it.

And yes, I know this whine is timeworn and not original. And yes, I have already heard proposals that we turn the phrase on its head, start to compliment admirable men by saying Wow, He Sure Has (One or More Parts of the Female Reproductive System That Can Get Through Childbirth and/or Assault and Still Survive to Perform Another Day)!

Yeah. No. Let’s not go there.   

I’ve also seen, though I cannot place, a great bit from a young woman comedian about how weird it is that balls should be the symbol of fortitude.  She says, “Something that can be LICKED too hard?!?” She’s really funny.

But although I’ve focused here on “she has bigger balls than Guy X,” I’m complaining about the whole constellation. I don’t like “The best man for the job is a woman,” or even “That was ballsy.” And creating a new non-reproductive but still-male-anatomy  compliment for admirable women is also out. I don’t want to hear, “Wow, she has a really prominent  Adam’s apple!” Okay?

And I am NOT the right man for this job! I’m NOT. You are! The next time someone in your world says “She has bigger balls than X,” you could maybe just say: I’m not sure that is the high praise you seem to think it is…. Or you could try: I know this one woman who objects to that as praise. Or something. You’ll think of something. Thanks.

[Maybe a fierce young woman is a better illustration anyway. Here's me, about age 8 or so.]