February 7, 2022: Who WAS That Masked Angel?

What with New Jersey about to end school mask mandates, and what with our own Governor saying she will lift indoor mask mandates before the end of March, I think we need to gather our mask humor, crafts, and terminology, not to mention our unmasking tips  - right now.

I’ll start.

Unmasking tips!

We are going to have to check to see if we have things stuck in our teeth again, and we are going to have to keep an eye out for those errant white chin whiskers that spring up like enormous facial mushrooms from time to time, and that are oddly invisible to the bearer unless she is parked at a particular angle to the sun, and looking in the rearview mirror, which is why she has tweezers in that little storage compartment between the front seats. I have no idea who she is, of course, but I’m just letting her know that the chin whiskers haven’t gone away during the last two years.  

Also, it may be time to dream of lipstick again.

Mask terminology!

Inadvertently trying to put on a mask when you are already wearing a mask is called a “Full Tamez,” in honor of my friend who had to be told by a client that maybe his struggles were caused by same. Like involuntary manslaughter, the Full Tamez is a matter of intention, or rather, lack of intention. If you deliberately put on two masks, that’s just plain old double-masking.

I myself performed a Full Tamez only this afternoon, when I had pulled my mask down under my chin as I was walking from one store to another. I tried to put a second mask over nose and mouth, thereby covering a heck of a lot of acreage, but because of the angle of the sub-chin mask, my ears wouldn’t have it. Which was a good thing.

Mask crafts!

I never developed any mask-related arts and crafts skills. No, wait, I painted loads of portraits of people in masks. I even used two of them for profile pics. What did you do, in the mask arts-n-crafts vein? Do tell.

Mask humor!

For a long time, I relished David Sedaris’s comment that when he wore a mask, everywhere smelled the same, and everywhere smelled like his breath.

Then I started mail ordering the fancy N95s, and some of them smelled sour and chemical, right out of the bag, while others smelled like incense. The incense was nice, in a way, but weird.

And then I found my own, dumb, true love in mask humor, a post on FB that said:

DO YOU WEAR A MASK AND GLASSES?

YOU MAY BE ENTITLED TO CONDENSATION!

I have said this to myself every day since, numerous appropriate times, and it still hasn’t gotten old.

I think that completes my contribution to Mask Lore. Quick, before it’s all too late: over to you.